Finding your place

Chapter 6 (Part 1)

Jack and Merida rise into the air and Merida holds onto him. Tightly. They don’t say a word, for there is nothing to be said.
Jack clutches her hands on his chest. Neither of them know what to expect, but somehow, Jack already feels his body numbing. Like a fist raised in the air, just about to hit him in the stomach, he is preparing for the blow.
Merida closes her eyes, but can’t seem to find Jack anywhere in her mind. All she remembers is her playing with her father as a child, images of her brothers birth flash in her head. Her holding one of them for the first time. Her thirteenth birthday, when she was having a deep-thinking, melancholic phase. She remembers looking around and seeing the perfect scene laid out in front of her. Her father wrapping toddler Haymish in parchment and Harris and Hubert laughing along. Her mother was watching, laughing and then she turned and looked at her. She mouthed “Happy Birthday, lass!” and Merida remembers smiling.
Merida doesn’t think of anything else, she can’t. It never even crosses her mind that the castle will be empty or maybe even non-existing anymore. All she can think about is what used to be.
The cold hits Jack’s face. He can feel it, but it doesn’t bother him at all. His home is not Merida’s home. And he should have known it never would be. Sometimes every ten minutes, his chest cramps up and he doesn’t know why. Like his body is already holding back his tears. His mind is black and he doesn’t say a word. He just clutches her hand tightly. Her warmth makes it hard for him to breathe. Never has he felt like this before, not in this life and not in the one before.
Time flies by and after a while he starts to slow down. His body tenses up as he first sets his foot onto the ground. She lands softly next to him and her eyes widen.
She takes a step forwards and Jack can no longer feel her warmth. She is no longer by his side. Not physically – and probably not mentally either.
There it is. The castle of Dun Broch. Or whatever this land is called nowadays.
She feels tears rolling down her face and twitches.
“Merida...I...”, Jack starts, but she doesn’t let him finish and simply starts walking towards her old home, without a word.
Jack bites his lip and follows.
Merida steps onto the stone bridge and thinks of Angus and her chasing off together into the woods. Angus...she chokes on the lump in her throat and releases what sounds more like a hoarse croak than a sob.
Jack’s body tenses up more and he wants to take all this pain off her. But he can’t. Because he is the one who caused it.
Jack flies her over the gate and lands in the ward. Merida looks at the stairs that lead up to where her old room used to be. She looks around. It’s all empty. No people, no knights in training, no sound echoing through the castle. Just silence. Even the forest is silent.
She walks towards the stairs slowly and runs her fingers along the cold stone as she begins climbing them. Jack follows, since he doesn’t know what else to do.
Her heart pains and she feels like crying, but simply can’t. No one should go through this. This was never meant for her. She was meant to be queen, marry a prince and die someday, with her children at her deathbed. This life is not hers to lead, she doesn’t belong here. This is not her place.
She tries to open the door, but it’s locked, so she draws an arrow and aims it right into the metal lock. She seems to have hit the right spot, since something clicks and the lock drops off.
She places her hand on the wood and pushes the door open.
The hallway is as she remembers it, but there are no torches now. Just cold, bare walls of stone.
She feels like any moment now, her mother might turn around the corner and say: “There you are, I was waiting for you!” She knows it’s not possible, but a part of her really expects it to happen.
‘Any moment now, any moment. My brothers will be running from Molly, because they pulled a prank again.’, she thinks to herself. More tears roll down her face and she utters a small sob.
Jack flinches. The guilt is tearing him apart. ‘Any moment now, any moment...’, he thinks to himself.
Merida strides on and for the first time, she looks as dignified and proud as a true princess would. But her head is not held high, like her mother had taught her. It is looking straight forward and she is crying.
She passes the door of her parents room and bites her lip. She dares to look through the small hole in the door. Their bed is still standing. But the room looks glum and dusty and a sad sight and not the warm place where she used to cuddle with her mother by the fireplace that it used to be.
Jack sees more thoughts running through her mind and more tears in her eyes. Is she even noticing them? Why is she forcing herself to do this?
“See...”, she whispers. “My mother said she wanted me to be happy. No matter what I did and who I was with. As long as I was happy, she said” Merida shivers and sobs a little. “...she was happy. And now...”
What she said hurts Jack, but he stays silent. She doesn’t want him to talk, he knows that.
They trail onwards, occasionally Merida stops and looks around or kneels down to ravish in the places that hold all her memories.
Jack is just about to stop her and get her out of her when she breaks down and sobs, for he fears she is dying on the inside, when she suddenly stops, gets up and takes a careful step forwards.
She looks at the door. It’s her room. She’s reached it. The final straw. And Jack knows it.
Merida opens the door, for it is unlocked and looks around. So many memories. So...many...bloody...memories.
She takes a few steps forwards and looks at the light flooding through the windows. Her old bed, the carpet...everything has stayed the same. The pain is excruciating and she finds herself wanting nothing more than to be with her family. In her time. In her place.
And in that short, silent moment of complete agony from both sides, she realizes everything. How ignorant she has been. She had sacrificed everything. For Jack. A boy. She had left her family in absolute fear for their oldest daughter’s life. They had been in pain for the rest of their lives. And her mother...and her father...everyone...had been so terribly scared for her.
And she had done it all...for this?
Suddenly she screams and knocks her head against the hard wall. “You moron, you moron, you moron!”, she yells, furious. And though she is talking to Jack, she knows who she actually means.
“It’s all...all your fault...”, she hears herself sobbing quietly.
Jack’s eyes go blank. “Merida, don’t...please don’t do this...” He thought he was ready, thought he could handle it. But he can’t.
Merida is blind to his desperation. All she knows is that she is lost. Her homeland, her culture, her family, her kingdom and her life are gone and will never return. And there is only one person to blame. So why Jack?
“I am so sorry, Merida.”, he pleads and tears start streaming down his pale cheeks.
“Don’t even–“, she starts, but her voice is drowned by tears. Fury breaks out in her. A flame nobody can control. Not even she. This is it. The last stand. And nobody has the power to stop it. She can’t stop herself. Not now. Too much remorse, too much sorrow.
She feels her fists clenching and the next moment, she has spun around to face Jack. He has her back turned to her, which makes her furious.
He can’t face her, he simply can’t. He can’t look at her broken, cold face. He can’t let her see him cry – not this time.
Her hair is flickering next to her face. Like a fire. A burning hot fire. And someone is about to get burned.
She takes a deep breath, opens her mouth  and shouts with tears in her eyes: “I hate you, Jack Frost!”
Time stops. Jack turns around and stares at Merida. He is no longer crying, nor saying anything. He simply stares and stares at her. His cold skin has never bothered him – until now.
He knew it. Deep down, he had always been aware that sooner or later, Merida would discover the truth. That her life is gone. Her mother dead. Her whole life turned upside down. And him, only him, to blame. Yes, he knew that sooner or later, she would fully realize what she has lost. What he has stolen from her. But no matter how many times he had prepared himself for the moment she did, it still nearly knocks him off his feet. This excruciating pain in his chest is worse than anything he had imagined.
His heart has been broken.
He watches Merida grasp her bow and push past him and stays frozen to the spor, as he feels the familiar feeling of loneliness returning to his soul. It is as though she was never there. As though the fiery girl who has enlightened his world for so long, who has given him hope for over three hundred years...had never existed.
Jack swallows the last trace of love and clenches his fist to keep it where it belongs. Hidden far, far down in his soul.
The girl who he loves most in this world is heartbroken. And that’s what hurts the most. That he is at fault. There is nothing left to do now, when that very girl has declared them strangers. There is nothing to do, but to utter the words that lie heavy on his chest. His greatest wish, all he desires:
“Be happy.”, Jack whispers.
Merida stops in the doorway, flinches and lays her hand over her mouth to not let him hear her cry. Then she runs and Jack sinks to the floor of Merida’s old and dusty bedroom.