Finding your place

Chapter 6 (Part 2)

Merida can barely feel her feet touching the ground as she drags her feet away from the castle. She wonders if Jack is still there, or if he has already left. But she does not turn around.
Merida feels broken, alone and like in a terrible dream. There is no one to describe how this feels. Empty and distant. So far away from reality. She wishes to be somewhere far away. Where she can’t feel it. All the remorse, all the pain and the longing for things she’ll never have. She blamed Jack. And he blames him too. But that doesn’t make it any less her fault. No matter what anybody says, she knows what’s true. Deep down, she knows it’s all her fault. And she feels like killing herself for doing this to him.
She crosses the bridge and wipes her eyes. The waves crash underneath her and the woods are laid out in front of her. Here she grew up. Here is where she used to belong. So why does it feel so new? So unfamiliar? So cold?
Merida can’t remember the last time she has felt so cold. On the outside, as well as on the inside. She snorts at the irony and then drops a tear into the water below.
Suddenly she hears a melody playing. It’s in her ear, right next to her, buzzing like a bee. What is it? She has heard it before...
Hm, hm, hmm, hmmm, hm, hm, hmm, hmmm...
She turns and starts running towards where it’s coming from. She can’t stop. She runs on and on, following only her heart. Suddenly she finds herself thinking of Jack, when he first saw she was alive and tried singing...their laughing echoes through her mind and she flinches.
The song is playing louder now. She can hear it all around her. Fulfilling her. And her heart.
The sun has started to set and Merida looks at the red sky and her eyes water when she remembers watching the sun go down on one of her hunting trips.
An unfamiliar voice whispers to her. “Merida...” Merida quickens her pace and passes all the old places she used to know.
She pushes past a few branches and passes the cliff she once sat upon with Angus. It was the day her mother declared she was going to be betrothed soon.
She also recognizes the place she and Jack met. The shack is gone, there is only a hill where it used to stand, but Merida still remembers how they danced together. She remembers the passion, the confessions and the wonder that had taken place at this very spot over three hundred years ago. And his moans and her scream still echoes through the forest.
“Oh, oh, Jack, I love you!”
She closes her eyes and new memories fill her mind. The first time she hit a bull’s eye with an arrow. The time when her mother took her to see Stonehenge as a child. She was so excited about it. She remembers the tingly feeling she got when she ran her fingers across the cold stone. It was magic.
Merida feels her mind being torn as she runs through what she used to call her home. Her lungs are burning and her eyes are swollen from all the tears, but she never stops.
Before she knows it she recognizes the fire falls. There they are, the water flowing loudly and the scene is powerful. She screams loudly and that’s when everything around her starts fading, until everything is black.
Her scream echoes through the forest and Jack jumps to his feet at the sound. He slams open the door and races through the hallway and then up. Up up and way.
It’s cold. And yet warm. Merida opens her eyes slowly. The ground around her is white and the stars are shining all around her. But they look closer, much, much closer.
“Hello?”, she calls.
“Hello.”, a voice replies. It’s the same voice as she heard earlier...how long ago was that? A few hours? A few hundred years? Jack’s tears and her screaming...it’s all a blur.
Merida turns around and sees the most peculiar-looking boy sitting a few feet away. She takes a step towards him.
“Who are you?”
“I am the contents of children’s tales, I am the creator of guardians and the maker of belief.”
Merida gasps. “The...the man in the moon.”
“Some call me God, some call me not at all and a few call me a myth. You, Merida, may call me Claudius.”
“Claudius?”
“I was born with no name. I am the only boy alive that Tooth has no memories of. And I am alone, Merida.”
Merida looks at him and imagines living here for thousands of years all alone. She shivers at the thought.
“Guardians walk their paths alone. But sometimes I am needed to help them find their way back to it. I am alone, Merida. And now I watch you turning yourself to loneliness...on your own accord.”
“He took away my life, I was a fool to think I could ever live with that.”
The boy turns to look at her for the first time and Merida is overwhelmed by his eyes. They are almost black, but look like the sky at night, with stars and the large pale moon in the middle. It’s impossible to describe.
“Now we both know that’s not true.”, he says calmly. Merida swallows. “See, Merida, I was once in love...like I watch over the guardians, she watches over the people. She has beautiful golden wavy hair and warm, shining eyes. She is the kindest being anyone could imagine. And when it rains, she tends to hide behind the clouds. Her name is not written in nursery rhymes, but people still see her every day. Everybody knows what she is, but nobody knows her.”
“You-you’re in love with the sun...aren’t you?”
“And always will be. Because she brings light in my darkness, just like you bring warmth in Jack’s winter. Sometimes, when the sky is clear, I can see her. Even if it is for but a moment, she warms my heart and gives me strength for the next millennium.” Merida feels heartbroken at the story, it is the most beautiful thing she has ever heard of.
“The eclipse.”, he says, when he sees her sad face. “It is the time we get together. Whilst you people experience the darkness of my everyday life, I bathe in my sunlight.” Merida wipes her eyes.
“That’s the most beautiful thing I have ever known.”, she sobs.
“Aw, and yet again we both know that is a lie.”, Claudius says. “For as the moon does not shine on it’s own accord, nor does Jack. I need the sun and Jack needs you. Merida, I will give you a choice. You have changed your fate before. And now you shall do it again.”
Merida looks at the boy with the white hair. It looks exactly like the moon’s colour. Merida wonders if maybe on some days it is more yellow, than white or maybe even red on others.
“I can give you your life back, Merida. I can give you your three brothers, your parents, your kingdom, your throne, your memories and your fate. You can live happily ever after, Merida. You can marry, have children, be a truthful and elegant queen and die peacefully with your children at your deathbed.”
Merida’s eyes widen. This is all she dreams of. To be back where she belongs, in her time, in her place. With her family, her mother.
“Or”, Claudius continues, his eyes narrowing. “I can give you a life as a spirit. You will be immortal, powerful and most importantly, you will be forever with Jack.”
Merida feels her inner self slunking. How could she possibly choose? Memories flashed through her mind. Her mother and her were hugging. Elinor was covered in tapestry and they were both crying.
The day of her wedding. She ran away and her mother simply stayed seated and smiled to herself. She had understood. How she had taught her brothers sword fighting, how Angus used to be just a fole, back in the time when she had first had a little crush on her teacher, when she was thirteen. There are so many things she wants back so desperately, she longs for them. But suddenly the images in her mind begin to change and that familiar tune starts playing again. Hm, hm, hmm, hmmm...a brown-haired boy turning around to face her, his smile directed right at her, voices...
“I love you, Merida. Please don’t ever leave me.”
The time he surprised her with her Christmas present, or the first time she saw him sleeping, his head lying on her stomach, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. She remembered waking up to him in the morning and the jokes he always cracked. And then she could almost feel the touch of his lips on hers...that sensation, the tingling, it all returned to her as new tears filled her eyes.
Hm, hm, hmm, hmmm...
His jealous side, the snowballs coming from out of nowhere, their imaginary swordfight. And those wonderful weeks they had spent in his hometown...pictures of her and him goofing around in the photo booth returned. For others, it looked like it was only her in the picture, shoving, kissing, biting and pulling faces at thin air. But she and the children could see him right beside her, grinning cheekily.
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hmm...
Jack and her talking to each other, sitting on a tree.
„I remember for a long time, I had no one to talk to. I was all alone. But sometimes, every now and then I could hear the man in the moon. I swear, he always sounded more like a boy to me. He told me he knew how loneliness felt and to be patient and never lose expectations or hope for the future. And he was right.”
Hm, hm, hm, hmm, hm, hm, hm, hmmm…
Suddenly Merida hears Claudius speak to her, but his voice is not alluring, it’s more like a whisper. It doesn’t snap her out of her thoughts and it’s not supposed to.
“I see you chose a long time ago, Merida. You just needed someone to show you your way back to your path.”
Suddenly Merida feels like she is being pulled in. Pictures and images flash and there are Jack and her, dancing to a song in North’s guest room, huddled closely together.
“I am Claudius, the lonely boy and I pledge you shall not forget me.”, she hears a whisper echo in her right ear. “For I watch over the guardians and from now on, I shall watch over you.”
Jack helped Merida across the slim metal pipe, then she slipped and fell into his arms, laughing. They celebrated Jamie’s 8th birthday together in the woods and Jack caused a snow day. Jack showed Merida a photo booth and they pulled silly faces at each other. The last of the four pictures showed Merida pulling a face, but Jack…Jack was simply looking at her like he was about to cry, a slight smile crowning his lips. Enticed.
“You don’t know what you’re asking for.”, Jack’s voice sounds in Merida’s head.
“Yes, I do. I am asking for eternity with you.” As Merida hears herself say it, images of Claudius and the girl in the sun flash before her closed eyes. She has lots of freckles and golden hair. They are simply lying in each other’s arms, not saying a word. She is leaning her back against his chest and he has his arms wrapped around hers. They look at peace, even though, Merida knows, this peace will not last long. Suddenly she hears another voice. “Time passes slower up here, Merida. The time of waiting is worth the time the sun and the moon have together.” And Merida knows who is speaking.
The feeling of falling overcomes her and she can feel the cold again. Then she finally understands the melody that has been playing in her head.
“There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?”
Merida’s eyes fill with fresh tears.
Jack jerks away and turns around. She is there, right there. Right beside him, shoulder to shoulder, he can feel it.
“And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah...”
“Jaaaaack!”, she screams at the top of her voice. But her scream is not filled with fear, even though she is dropping fast. No, this scream is full of joy.
“Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah...”
The wind pushes Jack forwards, faster and faster. There is nothing that could ever keep him from her right now.
“Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love...”
“Jaaaaack!”, Merida screams again. It’s dark and the stars are sparkling with no clouds to hide them away. And there is Claudius, shining pale light onto the silent Scottish highlands.
“Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you...”
Jack remembers when he last heard someone calling for him like that. It was his sister. When Pitch had his memories. He remembers how determined he was and how it felt to have someone who truly believes in you.
“It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah...”
Jack can see her now. There she is, falling from the skies. He doesn’t even know why or how, all he knows is that she needs him now. Just like he needs her.
“Hallelujah, Hallelujah...”
“Merida!” He cries into the night and reaches out. Merida looks right into his eyes and for the second time today, time stops. Merida sees Jack smiling at her. She doesn’t know why he is smiling, but his smile warms her heart. This world is not hers. She doesn’t know half of it. A lot has changed. The music, the people, the countries, the fashion...but for that moment...just that one moment, where she can she Jack smiling at her like that...she feels at home.
“Hallelujah...” Jack grabs Merida’s hand and feels the undying warmth. He catches her and flies away, clutching Merida tightly. Merida clings onto his hoody and smiles peacefully.
“Hallelu-u-jaaah.”